“The greatest fear dogs know is the fear that you will not come back when you go out the door without them.” ― Stanley Coren
2019. It is supposed to be a great year for me. Why? Because last 2 years have been hell.
2017.
I had to separate from my husband unwillingly, take my 1 year old daughter with me and establish myself at work in a different country. India. It is not a different country. It is just not the country my daughter knew yet.
I went back to the house we bought before I gave birth to her. I hardly knew the house since I got to stay there only for 2 weeks before coming to America. That was 2 months before Ishanvi was born. When I went back, I had no one to greet me, my child who landed in a place unknown had no familiar face around her. For that matter, the place seemed stranger to even me. I stayed in Delhi for 10 years but still the place seemed distant. I had to go back to keep my job. Ishanvi screamed every evening for 10 straight days calling for her father. I was alone in a big house with a toddler who couldn’t understand me.
Things got better eventually. I hired a nanny and got back to work as I intended. People did visit over the course of time but I never allowed anyone to stay longer because I didn’t want Ishanvi to get attached to anyone. Her screams still haunted me. I would never want to go through that again.
2018.
I managed to survive for a year. Made one trip to visit her dad during summer and realised how difficult things have been for both of us. I was so engrossed in my pain that I had completely forgotten about him. The harsh winters of Midwest and a traveling job had changed him as well. It was quite obvious that he was not handling it well. But he was either scared or ashamed to ask me to come back.
That is what happens in the modern world. Sometimes, we hesitate to share our grief even with our partner. We are conscious of getting judged. I knew exactly what he was thinking. He did not want me to risk my career again for him, especially when he could not guarantee me stability of living in the US. One more thing we do today, we keep thinking of the future rather than the present. I had to make that call. I decided to come back and put a hold on my career. For the family.
It was not a difficult call but people’s judgment didn’t seem to think so. I was doing well at work, due for a promotion in a few months. Ishanvi was settling well too. More than that, I am an ambitious woman. Always have been. So it didn’t make sense to a lot of people. Why risk the stability to venture into unknown, again? It didn’t have to make sense to them because no-one loves him like I do. I think I got emotional. Like I always have been from the inside. I was trying to be there for him, because that is what we always did. Without hesitation.
I was back to America in 4 months. I had a year off from work and I was determined to play the role of a mother and a wife diligently. I had no plans. Last time I planned to utilise my time in US, I ended up getting acceptance from prestigious UConn for grad school. I never joined as I found out Ishanvi was already conceived and we were moving to a different state. I was disappointed. But I don’t blame her. I was ready to be a mother. This time I was going to make up for the time I couldn’t spend with her in India. I did. Until I found out about the boy I was carrying.
It was a pleasant surprise for us. A surprise we were ready for. But it also meant I had to release Ishanvi from my dependence. This meant putting her in day care. We started with half day and as my due date approached near, made it full day. So I couldn’t spend so much time with her. But I made the most of all that I got.
September 21st, 2019. The day my life changed again. My baby boy was born. Bivan! Our Little bundle of joy and everyone was elated. After all having a boy and a girl is a good combination. Photos were put on social media and people had comments like “complete family”, “perfect family”. While it may seem perfect but it will never be complete. That is when I had the urge to write that letter to him. A letter I have been wanting to write for a while now. A letter that will never be delivered. A letter that will never serve the purpose it is meant for- the things I wanted to say to him.
“Dear Miku
You have no idea how difficult it is for me to pen down my emotions. I know wherever you are, you are happy and healthy. You came to my life during a time I probably was not ready for you. I had a tough posting at work and was not married yet. Do you remember the circumstances of the night we had you? The weather was bad and PK’s bike got punctured in the middle of nowhere. It was as if the universe was warning me from having you. The universe probably knew the ending and wanted to caution me. But we both couldn’t be warned. Your father was hell bent on having you and there you were in my arms, just a baby, not knowing where your fate was taking you.
The ride from the clinic to our home was overwhelming. I didn’t know what to do with you. Your father couldn’t ride with us since he had his bike. We tried to hide you from the world the first few weeks because we never told our landlord about you. Your sparkling eyes were a hope to both of us. We found a new reason to love in you. You are and will always be my first child.
You were so annoyed with us in the beginning. Probably sensing that we were both amateurs in handling you. But you came around and once people laid eyes on you, you were the “joy of everyone”. We did our best to provide for you. Your father would take night shifts so you had company during the day. I would try to get off early from work just to see you. Without us realizing, our lives had changed. It revolved around you. We had the best doctors for you, the best food and toys in the market. Some people called you spoilt. But we never paid heed to them. You were a delight to be around and that is all we wanted from you. We tried to give you some basic education but never forced anything on you. We wanted to protect your innocence.
You remember the first time we had to leave you to take a trip? We were informed that you were not eating properly. That night your father was weeping and asking you to eat for his sake. We came back the next day for you. After that, we always left you in the care of your favourite people when we had to leave. You were always close to your father more than me and I hated it. Before you, I was the person he loved the most and I was sort of jealous that you were slowly replacing me. However, as a mother, that made me happy.
Then came 2013 and your father had to leave for America. I was not worried because it was a short-term plan. Moreover, you and I connected a lot more after he left. I celebrated your 5th birthday alone with you favourite cake and balloons. When I visited him for a month, he told me he missed you more than me. I knew you had already replaced me. After that visit, everything changed.
You see, your father and I were married now and things were different. People expected things from us and we wanted to be together too. But because his plan in US was short-term, we couldn’t take you with us there. If you must know, transporting you to US was the first thing we had in our minds once things became permanent. Unfortunately, that meant we had to relocate you to a safer place until then. It will be a decision I repent until I die and join you. Believe me, if I could go back in time and change something, I would have brought you here with me. If I knew you had so few days left, I would have never left you in anywhere.
Kathmandu. After a lot of thought we decided to leave you there. There is bigger space, weather is better and no dearth of caretakers for you. Food was an issue but we solved it by shipping it regularly from india. We didn’t take into account the healthcare part but I was assured that you were getting the best. Your father was so worried about your that he drove you 700 miles just so you are comfortable in our car and not cramped up in an airplane. I still remember the day we left you. It was early morning and we were advised not to say good bye because you might not react well. But you found us right when were about to leave and started to make noise. I cried whole 12 hours back and a few days more. But that is the thing with us humans. We eventually adapt. It is cruel. But it is true. Home was never the same without you.
When PK was away, you would put your head on my tummy until I fell asleep because you knew I was scared to sleep alone. You loved to sleep alone but you wouldn’t do that until I fell asleep and wouldn’t know you were gone. You protected me all that time. You laughed and cried with me. You were there every step of the way. And I deserted you the first chance I got. How I wish I came to visit you often. Actually we did. Just 4 months after we left you, we had to visit Kathmandu and I was more than happy to see you again. You were doing good but you had changed. But to me you were always my child. That visit was scarred by the deadly earthquake and I couldn’t spend much time with you. How I regret doing that. If I knew that was the last time I would see you alive, I probably would have not left at all.
2016. I was back in india this time carrying Ishanvi in my womb. I had a chance to visit you during Holi but I didn’t thinking it would unnecessarily stress her. I wanted to visit you badly. You were the only reason I wanted to. But I had my other baby to think of. It was a difficult time and I thought I had all the time in the world. Unfortunately I didn’t.
I still remember the day we got that call. It was in the middle of the day in US. Ishanvi was playing with us. I saw a message pop up in PK’s phone. I tried to read it and my heart kind of ached. He snatched the phone from me and went to another room. I had lost my sense and followed him. He was talking to someone in his native language, which I couldn’t understand. But that day I understood everything.
I wish I didn’t and he had made up a lie and I never knew that you were gone. So soon, without even giving me a chance to say goodbye in person. Without even meeting your sister.
She knows all about you and her face would light up whenever we talk about you or show your pictures to her. We kept telling her we would visit you as soon as she is old enough. She is unlucky because she never got the meet a beautiful soul like you. You were the light of my life and no one would take your place ever. Not even the children I birthed. I know I didn’t give birth to you but I became a mother the day I saw you. I was 23, still very young. But I knew I was up for the ride. You brought so much joy to our family and I am so sorry you had to leave like that. I wasn’t there, your father wasn’t there. You must have remembered us because that is how good you are. You must have wondered if you could meet us one final time. But it was our extreme misfortune that we were living 1000 of miles away. I wish I could have held you in my arms one last time. Place a kiss on your forehead like I used to. I wish upon so many things.
I saw my dream shatter that day, the dream of Ishanvi playing with her brother, you meeting the human child we have always wanted. It is a dream unfulfilled. But we will complete it when we meet you up there. Till then I refuse to accept that our family is complete. This family is never going to be complete without you. I wanted to tell you that and also that I miss you everyday. I cry whenever I think of you and I am sure your father does too. But we never discuss our pain with each other. May be someday, when we both are ready.
For me, you will remain my first baby, the one who taught me how to be a mother, the sacrifices, the judgement, the happiness, the tears, everything. The family will be complete one day, till then, it remains an ‘’Incomplete Family”
With love
Your mother.